Bereavement Without End-A Plea From Alienated Parents Everywhere

Bereavement Without End-A Plea From Alienated Parents Everywhere

The death of a child is indisputably one of the most incredibly horrible tragedies one can imagine. Whether by sudden accidental circumstance, or by a more lengthy cause as in illness, the loss of a child is undeniably painful to experience.Painful to the parents, parents to the family, and painful to anyone related to the child.

Never knowing the laughter of that child again or the tears, the joys and the accomplishements is a pain no parent should ever have to endure, and yet it happens. No one is to blame. It just happens. Imagine the same pain and the same sense of loss, with one exception-the parent is very much aware that the child is alive.

The effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome are very similar to the loss of a child due to accident or illness. For the parent who has been alienated from their child, the bereavement does not end. How do we know? Each alienated parent separately, and all of us collectively have lived with both the cause and the effect of Parental Alienation for countless years. Like a terminally fatal childhood disease, Parental Alienation rips the innocent child from your arms slowly. You witness the suffering. You witness the effects. You can feel the impending doom is inevitable, but you are powerless to do anything about it. You try remedy after remedy hoping that one will finally rid your child of the "disease". You work like a person possessed in order to finance the efforts, and when the final blow comes, it is emotionally devastating. You question yourself. You blame yourself for the loss. You tell yourself you should have done more. The very sad part of the story, is it is not unique. There are hundreds of thousands of children and parents affected by PAS.

We beg of those with the power to make people aware of this devastatingly horrible phenomena, to please do all they can to educate people on its effects, and to change the laws to protect the innocence of the children involved. Only then can we truly hope to keep children safe from the harmful side effects that are inherent with Parental Alienation itself. It's killing the spirit of family everywhere.

Raising Awareness of Parental Alienation

Raising Awareness of Parental Alienation
and Hostile Aggressive Parenting

Help raise awareness of this terrible form of Child Abuse

Do your part to get your local community aware of this problem!

Did You Know That...
Parental Alienation is a form of Child Abuse?

Parental alienation is a group ob behaviours that interfere with a relationship of a child and either parent. Most often accompanying high conflict marriages, separation or divorce.

These behaviors whether verbal or non-verbal, cause a child to be mentally manipulated or bullied into believing a loving parent is the cause of all their problems, and/or the enemy, to be feared, hated, disrespected and/or avoided.

Parental alienation and hostile aggressive parenting deprives children of their right to be loved by and showing love for both of their parents. These selfish, vindictive and malicious actions by the alienating parent (the parent who is responsible for the manipulations and bullying) is considered a form of child abuse - as the alienating tactics used on the children are disturbing, confusing and often frightening, and rob children of their sense of security and safety.

Most people do not know about Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting until they experience it. Parental Alienation Awareness is put forth to help raise awareness about this growing problem of mental and emotional child abuse seen mostly in cases of divorce or separation.

We need your help to protect the innocent, ...the children.

We need your help to educate and make aware to the public the effects of Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting.

If you've been effected by Parental Alienation or know someone who has, or are a past victim of a parent who exhibited Hostile Aggressive Parenting and Alienated from one parent, please write and tell us your story. We will add your story to our letters page for everyone around the world to publish in their local magazines, newspapers, etc. Please remember to keep your story to the telling of the loss, love, and heartache. Please refrain from excessive anger and verbally assaulting the alienator(s) in your letters.

The aim of the Awareness is to make the judges, police officers, phychiatrists, lawyers, as well as friends and family of the people abusing their children by HAP and alienation tactics to become aware of this growing problem and form of abuse.

With awareness comes education and understanding, and the power to stop the abuse of innocent children caught in the crossfire of people they love.

What is Hostile Aggressive Parenting?

What is Hostile Aggressive Parenting?

- Symptoms of HAP - Underlying causes of HAP - Observable effects from exposure to HAP - Severe HAP - Addressing & dealing with HAP - Role of the community - Sanctions for HAP - How to help - HAP documentation (PDF) Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP) is defined as : A general pattern of behaviour, manipulation, actions or decision-making of a person (usually a parent or guardian) that either directly or indirectly; 1) creates undue difficulties or interferences in the relationship of a child with another person (usually a parent or guardian) involved with the parenting and/or rearing of the child and/or, 2) promotes or maintains an unwarranted unfairness or inequality in the parenting arrangements between a child’s parents and/or guardians and/or, 3) promotes ongoing and unnecessary conflict between parents and/or guardians which adversely affects the parenting, well-being and rearing of a child. Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is most apparent in child-custody disputes and is used most often as a tool to align the child with one of the parents during litigation over custody or control of the child. However, HAP can be present in almost any situation where two or more people involved in a child’s life are at odds with each other over how a child may be raised or influenced by the parties. HAP can be present to some extent even when couples are still living together. Although Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is often confused with Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), a term coined by Dr. Richard Gardner, HAP and PAS are not the same. HAP refers to the behaviours, actions and decisions of a person, whereas, PAS relates to the psychological condition of the child. In the vast majority of cases HAP is the cause of PAS. Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is not limited to the biological parents but also applies to any guardian - grandparents, extended family members, daycare providers and to any other person who may be involved in caring and rearing of a child. In some cases, it may even involve a parent in dispute with the child’s grandparents, sometimes the parent’s very own parent! Any form of interference to a normal, healthy relationship between a child and a person (most often one of the parents) caused by another person or agency having some control or influence over the child, is wrong and ultimately causes emotional and psychological harm to the child. Throughout this document the word “parent” shall be considered synonymous with “guardian”. Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is a very serious and damaging form of abuse and maltreatment that parents and even other family members can engage in. HAP is most often identified in individuals with controlling and bullying personalities or those with mild to severe personality disorders. HAP can be a factor in all types of parenting arrangements including sole maternal custody, sole paternal custody and joint custody. Interestingly, it is sole custodial parents who are most often reported to practice Hostile-Aggressive-Parenting, especially in its most severe form. In general, parents exhibiting Hostile-Aggressive-Parenting have not succeeded in getting on with their own life and remain, instead, controlled by their negative emotions and continue to exercise power and control over their ex-spouse's life, their ex-spouse's parenting and to a large extent, over the children of the relationship as well. HAP parents will blame everyone else except themselves. High degrees of conflict during custody settlements and litigation are almost sure signs in these affected families. Hostile-aggressive parents are unable to appreciate the needs of their child and in many cases view their child as a possession belonging to them and no other persons have any right to the child, especially not the child’s other parent or other persons that the HAP parent does not like. Hostile-aggressive parents will use the child as a weapon against the other spouse and family members whenever they have the opportunity. A parent engaged in Hostile-Aggressive Parenting will also take comfort in that the community in general will choose not to get involved, probably because they don’t know what to do. Angry and vindictive HAP parents are often able to bring a reign of terror and revenge on to a non-custodial parent and their family, their goal being to get them out of the child’s life or at the very least to severely damage their child’s relationship with the other parent and other parent’s family. Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is considered by many health care and legal experts unhealthy, anti-social, abusive behaviour which is emotionally damaging and contrary interest of a child. Simply stated, it is dysfunctional parenting, emotional child abuse parent who is the target of Hostile-Aggressive Parenting, a form of discrimination.

20 Tips for Managing Parental Alienation

Interventions for PA/PAS start with self-care: being in the present,
authentic and having gratitude. Success requires goals of leading
a full, balanced and accountable life, and staying positive in seeing
PA/PAS as time-limited stage. Though victimized, never be a victim
of self pity; using evolving strategic combinations of education,
therapeutic interventions and court orders.
Early intervention critical in mild/moderate cases:

20 tips for parents facing PA/PAS:

1. Have clearly established, parenting plan with rules of conduct,
being proactive and consistent in keeping schedules and avoiding
transition of child stress if possible.

2. Use Court as arbiter of last resort; assume higher level of
mutual parental moral responsibility and recognition that it's
about the children.

3. By helping children to find their voice in talking about problems,
as all in family are accountable. Stand up to children's bad behavior
with emotional control, compassion, and gentle accountability,
firm setting of boundaries and avoiding emotional blackmail.

4. Talk with children in age appropriate ways about your feelings
of how changes have happened in everybody's life in order to
achieve acceptance of those changes.

5. Find out about child's interest, ideas and imagination.
Build child's self-esteem, while teaching/learning (and having fun)
is a mutual process.

6. Be knowledgeable about child's life, and staying involved in
school and athletic/ hobbies/ cultural/artistic interests. Volunteer
in church, school, etc.

7. Develop support/informational relationship with people who can
influence children's positive recognition of who you are
(including your parenting.)

8. Understand developmental stage of children and attachment
needs/separation- normal anxiety issues complicates child's
approach-avoidance response to separation/attachment and
independence/dependence.

9. Practice active/empathic and nonadversarial/nondefensive
listening skills with children and others. Practice peacemaking
and finding solutions.

10. Recognition of your and ex's personality and character issues
in repeating behavior patterns as well as what trigger's psychological
vulnerability and emotional responses, and calling "time out" if needed.

11. Hold other parent accountable in consistently documenting behavior
and consulting with attorney (or be knowledgeable Pro Se litigant) with
option of court action always a possibility.

12. Use parenting coordinator, if necessary appointed by the court,
with arbitration/mediation power.

13. Use therapist familiar with PA/PAS cases and legal process
(many therapists will not be comfortable in at times directive,
and at times, authoritarian role).

14. Case management approach established to assure consistency
in development and coordination of treatment plan with case consultation
between therapists providing individual and family therapy.

15. Individual therapy for parents emphasizing learning and taking
responsibility for the individual/family problems in past. Learning and
practicing solution-focused communication and positive, active
relational skills.

16. Mediation between the parents: avoiding children being
triangulated into conflict as message carriers, confidants or
sword/shield/spy.

17. Provide independent communication if possible using cell
phone, instant messaging, letters, and photographs of past and
present to reimplant memories. Magazine subscriptions, seasonal
and holiday cards and presents/ remembrances of any occasion.

18. Encourage relationship with extended family members

19. Recognize and accept limitations in how relationship is
expressed with limited or awkward affection and emotional
withdrawal/outbursts.

20. Never blame children. Never give up hope.

Prepared by Jeffrey Parks, LMFT 508 877 3660 x 5 c. January 24, 2007